5 Reasons Couples Counseling DOESN’T Work

One of the top google searches when it comes to couples therapy is, “does couples therapy work?” This is a logical and important question. Before you make the investment of your time, energy, and money to work on your relationship, I think it’s important to know how to get the most out of those investments. The short answer to that questions is no, it doesn’t always work, but here’s why: 

1. You see a  generalist rather than a specialist. 

I talk a lot about the importance of seeing a therapist who specializes in what it is you are looking for help with in my previous post about how to find a therapist. It is the number one thing you should be looking for when you set out to hire someone to help you with your relationship. 

I’ve had so many couples come to see me and tell me something egregious they’ve experienced with previous therapists. Things like, “well, the last therapist told us we should just get divorced,” or, “all she advised us to do was to have more date nights.” Not helpful. 

When I dig a little deeper and ask about the therapist it typically comes out that they were selected off of a list that their insurance company provided, or they were the first person available. Also not helpful. 

If you are having trouble with your eyes, you don’t go and see your primary care physician. You make an appointment with an Opthomolgist or Optometrist - someone who specializes in eye and vision care. This is the same way you should approach your search for a couples therapist. You don’t want someone who claims to specialize in everything from A-Z because they likely can’t give you the specialized care and treatment that you need. 

In my practice I have one main focus: couples. Through my education and training I have worked with many individual clients and even some children, but I have come to find that working with couples is my forte, and it’s what I’m most passionate about. Because I have dedicated my practice to working with couples it means that all of my continuing education is focused on honing those skills, on learning all that I can in this subject area, and I have attended many, many trainings that can help me be a better clinician in this exact area.  

2. You don’t attend sessions as often as recommended or for an optimal amount of time. 

A second reason couples therapy doesn’t work is that couples don’t invest the amount of time necessary to truly develop lasting change. When people tell me their last attempt at couples therapy wasn’t helpful, and I ask how many sessions they attended, the numbers are typically pretty low. If you can count on one hand the number of sessions you’ve attended, you can’t really expect a whole lot of change to come of that. 

Developing the skills that are necessary to create lasting change takes time. Think about how long you and your partner have been together, and how long you’ve been stuck in the same relational patterns. When you become accustomed to these patterns over time, it takes time to learn a new way, and to implement those things you are learning. 

Couples therapy isn’t like a regular doctor’s appointment. You don’t go in once, get a prescription, and then take it and move on. Therapy is a process, and in order for that process to work, you must invest the time. 

Another common issue is with the frequency of sessions. If you are seeing a therapist once a month you are literally spending one hour, out of the 730 hours focused on your relationship - think about that ratio. That is truly not enough time or energy to create change. 

In my practice I work with couples who are willing to show up on a weekly basis, because I have come to find that that is optimal and it is what leads to results.   

3. You look to the therapist to do the work for you. 

A couple’s therapist is like a guide. If you were to hire a guide to take you through a hike in a national forest, you would expect that guide to show you all of the amazing points of interest along that trek, point out areas you should avoid, and help you find your way. You would not expect that guide to move your feet for you - it is expected that you walk and climb alongside that guide, follow what he/she has to say, and do the work that it takes to get you to the peak, so that you can enjoy the amazing scenery. This is the same with therapy. 

It is not possible for the therapist to follow you home and implement the things you are learning in the therapy room for you - that is up to you. So if you uncover in therapy that you often become critical of your partner, and that has become detrimental to your relationship because of the hurt it is causing your partner, then it is up to you to change that pattern when you are outside the office. That process may be slow, and you might slip up from time to time, but ultimately you are the one who must create that change. 

4. You don’t do your homework. 

I give my clients homework all the time. I tell them what to focus on throughout the week between sessions, I recommend books for them to read, youtube videos for them to watch, and things to discuss outside our sessions. The clients who take the time to do the homework are the clients who are the most successful. They are the clients who report the most growth and change, and they are the couples who reach their goals the fastest. 

This goes back to the principle of time spent working on the relationship. If you are only spending one hour a week focusing on your relationship and hoping for massive change, that is not enough. It has to be on the forefront of your mind throughout the week as well, and homework is designed to help with that. 

5. You don’t give your therapist necessary feedback. 

If you don’t like starting sessions with smalltalk, then it is appropriate to ask your therapist to avoid it. Or maybe, you really don’t want any parenting advice, but instead would like to focus more on the parenting dynamic between you and your partner - it’s ok and necessary to speak up and let your therapist know how you are feeling. I’ve heard many clients tell me about things they disliked about their previous therapist, but when I inquire further, they often say they didn’t bring those things up to the therapist. In my practice I regularly seek out my client’s opinions of what the process is like for them, and check in regularly about what they like to change or focus on. 

Your therapist should also be seeking your feedback. It’s not always easy and it may even seem like you are being confrontational if you bring up something you dislike about their style, but our training prepares us for this. The therapeutic relationship also represents an authentic relationship, and so your therapist should be welcoming of criticism and requests in order to help strengthen your relationship, and to provide you with the best service possible. Holding back and not asking for what you need can result in poor therapeutic outcomes. 

If you have any questions for me, or if you are interested in working on your relationship, you can schedule a 15-minute phone consultation here.  

Why is it so hard to be Quarantined with my Partner?

I just wrapped up my 4th week of seeing clients online, and everyone seems to be settling into their new normal.  For many this includes social distancing, working from home, and trying to figure out how to juggle working and also homeschooling kids from home - it’s a lot! 

Since I specialize in working with couples, relationship issues aren’t a surprise to me. Relationship issues are normal. But what’s not normal is doing all of the tasks that we once did in various locations all in one space, and trying to maintain healthy boundaries. 

To de-stress I used to head to my local yoga studio, take a heated, sweaty class, finish feeling grounded, chat with my friends, and then come home. Now I head to my bedroom to try and do an online class and hope that one of my small children isn’t hot on my heels. In the middle of said class, it’s been a miracle if I’m not joined by my toddler who also wants to try some yoga. The result is usually her becoming upset that I’m hogging MY yoga mat. 

There’s a part of me that loves to see her try to do yoga with me, and then there’s a part of me that is utterly annoyed at the fact that I’m not getting the same results from what used to be my go-to self-care routine. 

For most of us, that separation is not just a luxury, but it was something that was necessary. The commute to work provided a time of separation from home to the staff meeting. Sending kids off to school provided time for many parents to work or get things done around the house, and who we are in our work environments offered separation from who we need to be at home. 

Now the lines are blurred. Everything is happening at the kitchen table - the work, the schoolwork, the meetings, and the meals, and it can create a magnified effect for relationship issues. 

So take some time to create those separations. Have a conversation with your partner about your previous de-stressors, and how you can create that feeling of separateness in order to still partake in them. 

Do you need to create a schedule in order to help uphold those times, and so one of you can keep an eye on the kids so the other can get work done or get some exercise in? If so, then talk to your partner openly about your needs. 

Discuss alone time. Commutes, time out with friends, and chats in the office break room with coworkers allow us to exist separately from our partners. But without those things, it can feel like we need to be together all the time because we are now in the same space 24/7 - but that is not the case. 

Our need for alone time is needed now more than ever before, so talk about it. Talk about what you’d like that to look like in your home, and how you can support one another’s needs. 

Think about having these conversations when things are neutral. Bringing them up in the heat of the moment often leads to blow-ups and misunderstandings. Avoid blaming and criticizing, and discuss the emotion that comes up for you when you aren’t able to do the things you once enjoyed, and make requests - ask for what you need from your partner to feel supported, and offer to reciprocate to help them feel more comfortable during this time. 

If this is something you could use more support with, please reach out! We are accepting new clients online, and are happy to help you improve the communication and connection with your partner! 

Is your Cell Phone Killing your Intimacy?

Are you addicted to your cell phone? Do you go to bed with it at night, and wake up with it in the morning?

Technology is a part of life, and it can be such an amazing tool that can really enhance your life, but what happens when it starts to do the opposite? Can you tell if you really are addicted, and if it's killing the intimacy in your relationship?

In this week’s post I’m going to share signs that you should look for to help you identify cell phone addiction, ways to kill the addiction so you can enhance the intimacy in your relationship, and ways to talk to your partner if you suspect they are the one who's addicted to their phone.

According to PsychGuides.com, 90% of adults in America own a cell phone, and 67% of smartphone users have admitted to checking their phones when it didn't even ring or vibrate.

So if everyone has one, and we're all using them, you might be wondering, "what's the big deal??"

l'll admit I love my iPhone - I love having it with me so that I can easily capture memories through videos and photos of my kids, family, and friends. I love scrolling through social media to see what my family and friends are up to, and I love that I have this really awesome tool available at my fingertips to look up whatever information I need, when I need it. I used it just a second ago to find that statistic I shared with you.

You don't need me to tell you all of the amazing benefits of these tiny computers we're all carrying around.

But I have noticed a major trend in my practice - I would say about 75% of the couples l'm working with have at one point stated that their partner's cell phone usage has gotten on their nerves, caused fights, or made them feel isolated or alone, and I think that's a big deal. 

So while your phone can help you connect with people across the world, that's doing little for your relationship with the person sitting right next to you.

There's a lot of new research coming out about the way technology is impacting our kids and their development. I hear a lot of adults stressing over limiting screen time for their kids, but the truth is, it starts with the examples we lead as adults. 

I'm sure you've seen some of these memes on social media:

So how can you tell if you or your partner is addicted to your cell phone?

As of the time of this writing (January, 2020), there is no clinical diagnosis for technology or cell phone addiction in the DSM - (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) - which is the bible of diagnoses. However some of the things you should be aware of come from a comparison to gambling addiction which is behavioral and was added to the DSM's most recent edition. The criteria include:

1. A need to use the cell phone more and more often in order to achieve the same desired effect - think about this like a tolerance to any substance

2. Failed attempts try to stop using, or to use the phone less 

3. Preoccupation with smartphone use

4. Turning to your phone when experiencing unwanted feelings like anxiety or depression

5. Excessive use to the point of experiencing a loss of time

6. The need for the newest cell phone or apps

7. Feelings of withdrawal when your cell phone is unreachable - You might feel anger, depression, irritability, or restlessness.

PsychGuides.com has a great little self-assessment that you can do to see if you’re really addicted to your phone. You don't have to exhibit all 7 of the signs I listed either, you only need 4 out of those to consider it a true addiction. 

And maybe you don't even have 4, but have heard your partner complain about your cell phone usage? If that is the case, a change in your behavior might be in order, because it doesn't necessarily need to be a full-blown addiction to impact the intimacy in your relationship.

Ok so now that we've established that, let's talk about ways to change these behaviors so you can increase the intimacy between you and your partner, and stop looking like this: 

Quitting anything cold turkey is almost impossible, and since you really want to create lasting change, I recommend the following instead: 

One of the best things you can do is create sectioned off parts of your life that are free from technology, that you can also designate as time with your partner.

It's easiest to do this by associating this time with things you already do everyday. For example, eating, getting ready for bed, watching TV or a movie together. 

Designating those as cell phone free times will be helpful, and the more you do it and get those good hormones going in your brain from the increased connection with your partner, the easier it will get.

You can also create new rituals of connection with your partner, like a 15-minute check-in at the end of the day where you sit on the patio or couch (all phone free of course) and have a conversation about your day. 

So what if you feel like you’re ok with putting your phone down, but are irritated by your partner’s excessive usage? 

In this case, the first thing you need to do is keep leading by example. In addition to that, having a conversation, not in the moment - I mean not immediately after you get upset with them for ignoring you once again while they scroll through their IG feed. This conversation should take place at a neutral time when both of you are feeling good and not flooded. 

This conversation should include “I-statements.” Let your partner know how it feels when you are being ignored because they are on the phone excessively. Name the feeling for your partner - I feel sad, alone, isolated, etc. and then make a request. Ask for cell phone free time during specific activities or let them know you really want to have a check-in time every day and want it to be screen free. After you have that conversation give them grace as they adjust, and gently remind them if you see them pick up their phone during a cell phone free time. Shaming and criticism is definitely not the route to take when asking for you partner to change behavior. 

The Silent Treatment

Do you give the silent treatment?

You know. You're pissed off after a blow up or spat with your partner and suddenly you're super busy - rage cleaning, or organizing something you'd never take the time to do otherwise. 

Staying busy, not making eye contact, and not having to talk lets him or her know just how unimportant they are, right?

But that’s the thing - it makes your partner feel unimportant, among other things.  So stop doing it! And keep reading because I want to teach you what to do instead:

The Gottman’s call the silent treatment “stonewalling” - it's when you or your partner withdraws, shuts down, and closes off- like building a wall. After a while this becomes a habit, and over time it can cause your partner to check out as well. I mean, what else should they do when you are literally pretending they aren’t there!?

So why do people do this if it’s so damaging?

Stonewalling is generally a response to what's physiologically happening in the body during a conflict. We call this flooding. When you get flooded your nervous system goes into overdrive; you get a rush of brain-altering hormones, your heart rate increases, and you go into fight or flight mode.

People who tend to choose flight are those that typically Stonewall and give the silent treatment. They walk away and slam a door, or just say, “F-you, I’m done!”

Clearly there's a lot going on underneath those outward behaviors so what do you do instead?

The first thing you can do is come up with a signal that you can share with your partner to indicate when you're feeling flooded. It could be a hand gesture {but try not to make it the middle finger!} It could be a word or phrase - l've heard some couples shout out their anniversary date, which is a sign that they really want to preserve that love they truly have deep down. 

This is going to take some communicating when you're not in the middle of an argument, in a separate conversation come up with something you can mutually agree on - bonus points if it's something funny. That can definitely help diffuse the tension!

The next thing you need to do is retreat. Walk away and practice self-soothing. Take 20 minutes to reset your physiology. Don't sit and stew in your self-righteous indignation or perpetuate thoughts in your head about why you're the victim and your partner is wrong!

Focus on your breath, pop in your headphones, and listen to a guided meditation. Take a walk, listen to music, or watch something funny on TV. A Netflix comedy special work wonders!

When you're feeling more calm and like yourself, then you can re-engage with your partner and discuss the conflict.

If your partner is the one who typically gives the silent treatment, the best way to navigate this is to let them cool down, and at a time when you’re able to talk calmly, have a conversation about how their stonewalling makes you feel. Let them know you understand it's a physiological response to their feeling flooded. Come up with the cue as discussed earlier for him/her to let you know when they need to disengage. You can even share this blog post to help them understand what you mean. 

Creating lasting changes in relationships takes time, effort, and practice, so be patient with yourself and your partner! 

If this is something you can’t seem to change on your own, therapy can be incredibly helpful! Don’t hesitate to reach out! You can book a free phone consultation or schedule an appointment here. 

10 Things you should Stop Doing in 2020 To improve your relationship

Happy New Year! I honestly can’t believe it’s the start of a new decade!

There’s just something about the new year that can get you in the mood to make changes and create goals for yourself - big or small. 

If you aren’t in the mood to make some lofty goals or big changes, I totally feel that too. I skipped my vision board last year and just went with a word that I wanted to feel. So my advice is really just to do what suits you best. 

It’s easy to create goals for yourself but have you made any goals for your relationship for the coming year? 

I know this type of resolution is less common, however I thought that in order to get those brain juices flowing I’d send you a list of things you should STOP doing in 2020 in order to improve your relationship. Here we go:

10. Stop putting social media first. I get that it’s a great way to connect, and I love watching hilarious videos and catching up on my IG feed as much as anyone, but when your partner feels like they aren’t as attractive to you as your FB feed, there’s an issue. Make an agreement with your partner for some screen-free time each day and hold one another accountable for it. 

9. Stop giving the silent treatment. When you get into a conflict or your partner pisses you off it’s ok to ask for a time-out. A time-out is time to think, time to calm down, time to self-soothe so you don’t blurt out terrible names, and all of the things you hate about your partner in addition to this presenting issue. Giving the silent treatment is so much different. John Gottman calls this stonewalling, and when you engage in this behavior you are actually building a wall between you and your partner that can be incredibly damaging to the relationship. 

8. Stop criticizing your partner. Making comments about your partner’s character and personality are also damaging and typically the sign of either self-judgement, or a deeper rooted issue. If you find yourself being critical of your partner stop and reflect - ask yourself, what is really bothering me here? And then adjust accordingly. Ask for what you want and need and make your requests clear. 

7. Stop becoming defensive when you and your partner get into conflict. When you’re busy thinking about a come-back, or all of the reasons your partner is wrong for bringing up a topic that leads to conflict you can’t listen. The argument is also going to last so much longer than if you just stop and take responsibility. Apologize when necessary and ask for clarification if needed. 

6. Stop shying away from deep conversations with your partner. The foundation of a really healthy relationship is knowing your partner’s inner world. Knowing their stresses, their dreams, and their goals. You can’t know these things about your partner if you keep your communication logistical and surface level. In order to have more depth in your conversations you need to create time and space for such discussions. Check in and use open-ended questions daily. 

5. Stop asking your partner to read your mind. This might be one of the most common things I see in my practice. The old, “she should know that this is what I need,” or “we’ve been together for x amount of years, he should already know me!” The truth is that as humans we are continually growing and changing and what you wanted last week might not be the same as today, so stop expecting your partner to know that. Instead, be clear, and articulate what you need. 

4. Stop putting off dates with your partner. I get that you have work, family, and childcare obligations that can keep you from actually scheduling that date, but I want to challenge you to think outside the box! Do you have friends with kids that could also love a date? If so, arrange to swap babysitting duties once a month so that you’re both able to spend time out alone. Dates don’t have to take place at night - can you do a Saturday or Sunday morning coffee, and afternoon hike, or a lunch in the middle of the workweek when your kids are in school? Stop with the excuses a find a way to make it happen!

3. Stop putting your work and your kids above your relationship. So many couples put their kids before their relationship. I get it, I have three of my own, and damn are they needy! But when couples come to see me for counseling they often tell me that they desperately want to keep their family together. But guess what? There is no family without the couple. So if you insist on putting your children or your career first, your relationship is going to suffer. Spend at least as much time, energy, and money on your relationship as you do on the kids and your work this year. 

2. Stop doing more of the same. Tension builds, and then there’s a blow-out fight. Promises are made, and couples agree to try harder, or stop doing something that perpetuates the arguments. Things might change for a little while, but eventually, things go right back, and another blow-out happens. Stop it. If you want lasting change then you need to do something different. Which brings me to the #1 thing you should stop doing: 

1. Stop putting off couples therapy! If you want different and lasting results, you need to do something you haven’t done already. Your relationship can be transformed and you could have a fulfilling and incredibly happy relationship-but not if you insist on doing more of the same. Stop putting it off, stop settling for less, I promise couples therapy isn’t that scary! What’s more scary is being unhappy for weeks, months, and in most cases, years!