How Trauma Impacts Marriage

“If it’s hysterical, then it’s historical.” Have you ever heard this saying? Maybe it's just psychology geeks like me who gravitate towards these types of sayings. This is one that has really stuck with me from grad school through the years in my practice. You might be wondering what the heck that even means - well, when someone has a really big reaction to something that doesn’t necessarily warrant that type of reaction it’s usually related to something from the person’s past. Many times it's an indication of something that has also been unresolved. 

As a couples therapist I hear fights about so many different things - things that might seem pretty benign on paper: You didn’t do the dishes! You never text me back quickly enough! You didn’t tell me you were stopping at the store on your way home! 

If you can imagine grown adults having what looks like a tantrum in my office for these above examples, it might seem so ridiculous to you. However, the reason that these things cause such big reactions for people has less to do with the subject matter, and more to do with old wounds and historical traumatic experiences. 

Going to war isn’t the only thing that causes a trauma response although it is one of the quintessential experiences that people tend to imagine and sometimes the only thing people imagine can cause PTSD - but that assumption is outdated and incorrect.

Trauma can be defined as “a deeply distressing or disturbing event,” and emotional trauma is experienced when there is a violation of a person’s familiar ideas about the world and about their human rights. 

Trauma can be difficult to define because it’s really about the way the event is experienced. In Oprah and Dr. Bruce Perry’s book, What Happened to you? They discuss an excellent example of a fire in an elementary school.

For the firefighter on the scene, this was business as usual, and the incident felt controllable and even predictable. For the first grader in that classroom this event caused him to experience minutes of terror, intense fear, confusion, and helplessness. Both are very different experiences, and this is considered a trauma for the child due to his response.  

A recent study by the National Survey of Children’s Health found that almost 50 percent of children in the US have had at least one significant traumatic experience. And the CDC recently reported that 60 percent of American adults report having had at least one adverse childhood experience, or ACE. (You can find out more about the ACEs here)

Events like an infidelity or sudden threat of divorce in relationships can be very emotionally traumatic and people describe experiencing them in terms like, “my world shattered,” or “I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me.” In these examples the relationship that the person believed was stable and secure is turned upside down and unrecognizable.

That sense of security being ripped out and the sense of reality being shattered causes emotional trauma. There are developmental traumas (that happen during childhood), and emotional traumas that can happen at any age. Either type of trauma can impact the relationships closest to us, including our marital relationship. 

When there is an unresolved trauma that comes from childhood, it can rear its ugly head right in the middle of an argument with a partner and cause havoc. That response that’s so big, and seemingly unnecessary, can then touch on your partner’s unresolved trauma causing a tidal wave of emotions to come spewing back. This is typically the reason couples have such difficulty hearing one another and reaching resolutions. 

The conflict often becomes so big that both partners eventually retreat and only come back together when they absolutely need to deal with something together, like parenting their child, or they have to play nice in front of family or friends.   

The argument that is started because your partner had expectations about spending time alone together after a long day can really be about him/her being upset that you haven’t made them a priority. And that need to be high on your priority list may not even be coming from your relationship at all, but from their unresolved need to be prioritized as a child since their mother was often away using drugs and alcohol, and they were left to fend for themselves. 

When both partners have unresolved traumas they can continue to bump heads with each other. One partner may have a deep-seated need to be a priority due to parental abandonment, while the other has a deep need to be independent because they were constantly smothered by an overbearing parent. These two marry one another, and dig their heels in, fight tooth and nail, and continue to go around and around about this seemingly unresolvable issue in the marriage. 

The negativity from something like this can bleed out into other areas of the relationship and erode it over time. 

Couples therapy is a great place to identify how past traumas are showing up in your relationship and can be worked on in that setting, or your therapist might recommend individual therapy in addition to or in place of couples therapy. Either way working to resolve past traumas can be incredibly beneficial to your marriage. 

Mind-Reading in Marriage (part 2)

Last week we talked about mind-reading and how it can be such a disappointing pattern when you think your partner should just know what you need when you need it. In case you missed it, you can read that here. 

This week I want to talk about the other side of the mind-reading pattern. It’s also something I see a lot in my practice where one partner will say something like, “well no, I did not bring that up, because I already knew exactly how he/she was going to respond.” 

To which I typically reply, “oh, so you can read your partner’s mind?”

The truth is, we don’t know exactly how our partner will respond to something. 

Yes, you may have had a similar situation or pattern and you know things about what your partner may like and dislike, but when you assume that your partner will respond in a certain way and as a result of this pattern of mind-reading, you tend to either alter your communication or you avoid the conversation altogether. 

You might tell yourself you’ll get a negative response to something because you’ve felt negativity in an area of the relationship, and this sets you up for a pattern called negative-sentiment override. 

One of my clients used to refer to this pattern as the merry-go-round. 

Altering and avoiding communicating with your partner because you are telling yourself you know how they will respond only perpetuates the pattern and many times you will treat your partner as if you’ve already had that conversation and you’ve already received that negative response even though you only actually had the conversation in your mind and not out loud. 

Once you get into the pattern of negative sentiment override it can be difficult to get out because you aren’t actually having the conversations and you’re always assuming your partner’s negativity. Not having the actual conversations never allows for a positive response from your partner and keeps you perpetually stuck in assuming negativity and you might even begin to see your partner in a negative light altogether

When I reality test with clients about their assumptions of their partner’s negative responses and they actually have those conversations in session they find out things like: 

Their partner gave a negative response to helping with the kiddos' bath time once when they were stressed from work, and if they could do it all over again they’d respond differently. 

The assumption that was made in this case was that helping in the evenings was not going to happen, and one partner just assumed all responsibility without asking for help due to one negative response. 

One partner didn't want to talk about vacation planning one evening because they’d just had an issue at work with a coworker who typically covers for them, and didn’t feel comfortable asking for coverage at that particular time. 

The assumption that was made here was that vacations weren’t a priority for this person, and their partner was afraid to broach the subject. After further conversation in session it turned out this wasn’t the case, and once things were running smoother with the above mentioned coworker, vacation planning could easily resume. 

One negative response from your partner should not mean you’ll always receive that response in similar scenarios, and it could just be situational. 

So have the conversations. Make the requests. Don’t assume you know exactly how your partner will respond and get into a rut of negative sentiment override.

If you’d like help improving the communication in your relationship, we are here and eager to help! Click here to schedule your free 15-minute phone consultation and get hooked up with one of our amazing therapists who can walk you through improving your relationship.

Mind-Reading in Marriage

Do you expect your partner to know how you feel, what you need, when you need it? 

Couples will sit on my couch in the middle of a conflict, and one will look at me and say something like, “we’ve been together for 20 years, she should know that when I have to deal with work on my day off, I’m going to be upset. She should just anticipate that I’m going to be pissed off that day.”

This actually came from a session I had a couple weeks ago. The couple was upset with one another about how each handled a recent conflict in which PartnerA had to go into work on a day off, and said PartnerB appeared to be completely oblivious to their mood. 

PartnerA exclaimed, “you should have known I was upset and needed a hug!”

PartnerB shot back with, “I was in my own world, I was getting ready for work myself, and I didn’t even look up to see the look on your face when you told me you had to go into work.” 

PartnerA responded with, “I’m ALWAYS pissed when I have to go into work on my day off, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT! You should've been there for me - you should have given me a hug because you should've known.”

This went on for a while longer, back and forth like a tennis match, until I stopped them. 

The fundamental distortion here was that PartnerA was angry, hurt, and ultimately felt lonely because PartnerB had not anticipated their needs. 

PartnerB was hurt, and saddened that when they returned home later that evening, PartnerA turned away, didn’t give a greeting, and sulked the rest of the evening, to which PartnerA had no idea why. This just prolonged their disconnection and frustration with one another. 

As always, I worked to slow them down in the session, and helped them express how they each felt. 

Then we discussed mind-reading, and how we absolutely can not expect our partner to anticipate our needs and wants all the time. 

If PartnerA had stated, “man I’m so pissed right now, I have to go into work on my day off. I feel stressed, and frustrated. Can I just have a hug?” PartnerB would have totally obliged and likely went out of their way to send cheer throughout the day via text or in some other way. 

When we expect our partner to know what we need, when we need it, we set ourselves up for disappointment, and we set our partner up for failure. 

Think about it - we are complex beings, and we don’t always want the same things. Some days we want affection, and other days we want a listening ear or someone to sit next to and say nothing with. 

This is your reminder to ask  for what you need from your partner. 

If you want to be pet like a cat while you snuggle on the couch after a hard day, ask! If you need some time to decompress and want to take a long hot shower or bath, let your partner know that’s what you’re needing!

Know that if you have been stuck in a pattern of asking your partner to read your mind, it’s not always evident that that’s what you’re doing. This could show up as you feeling disappointed frequently in the relationship, and so if that’s the case it might be time to look a little deeper and work on understanding your own expectations and how you may be setting both you and your partner up for failure.

If you’d like help improving the communication in your relationship, we are here and eager to help! Click here to schedule your free 15-minute phone consultation and get hooked up with one of our amazing therapists who can walk you through improving your relationship.

5 Reasons Couples Counseling DOESN’T Work

One of the top google searches when it comes to couples therapy is, “does couples therapy work?” This is a logical and important question. Before you make the investment of your time, energy, and money to work on your relationship, I think it’s important to know how to get the most out of those investments. The short answer to that questions is no, it doesn’t always work, but here’s why: 

1. You see a  generalist rather than a specialist. 

I talk a lot about the importance of seeing a therapist who specializes in what it is you are looking for help with in my previous post about how to find a therapist. It is the number one thing you should be looking for when you set out to hire someone to help you with your relationship. 

I’ve had so many couples come to see me and tell me something egregious they’ve experienced with previous therapists. Things like, “well, the last therapist told us we should just get divorced,” or, “all she advised us to do was to have more date nights.” Not helpful. 

When I dig a little deeper and ask about the therapist it typically comes out that they were selected off of a list that their insurance company provided, or they were the first person available. Also not helpful. 

If you are having trouble with your eyes, you don’t go and see your primary care physician. You make an appointment with an Opthomolgist or Optometrist - someone who specializes in eye and vision care. This is the same way you should approach your search for a couples therapist. You don’t want someone who claims to specialize in everything from A-Z because they likely can’t give you the specialized care and treatment that you need. 

In my practice I have one main focus: couples. Through my education and training I have worked with many individual clients and even some children, but I have come to find that working with couples is my forte, and it’s what I’m most passionate about. Because I have dedicated my practice to working with couples it means that all of my continuing education is focused on honing those skills, on learning all that I can in this subject area, and I have attended many, many trainings that can help me be a better clinician in this exact area.  

2. You don’t attend sessions as often as recommended or for an optimal amount of time. 

A second reason couples therapy doesn’t work is that couples don’t invest the amount of time necessary to truly develop lasting change. When people tell me their last attempt at couples therapy wasn’t helpful, and I ask how many sessions they attended, the numbers are typically pretty low. If you can count on one hand the number of sessions you’ve attended, you can’t really expect a whole lot of change to come of that. 

Developing the skills that are necessary to create lasting change takes time. Think about how long you and your partner have been together, and how long you’ve been stuck in the same relational patterns. When you become accustomed to these patterns over time, it takes time to learn a new way, and to implement those things you are learning. 

Couples therapy isn’t like a regular doctor’s appointment. You don’t go in once, get a prescription, and then take it and move on. Therapy is a process, and in order for that process to work, you must invest the time. 

Another common issue is with the frequency of sessions. If you are seeing a therapist once a month you are literally spending one hour, out of the 730 hours focused on your relationship - think about that ratio. That is truly not enough time or energy to create change. 

In my practice I work with couples who are willing to show up on a weekly basis, because I have come to find that that is optimal and it is what leads to results.   

3. You look to the therapist to do the work for you. 

A couple’s therapist is like a guide. If you were to hire a guide to take you through a hike in a national forest, you would expect that guide to show you all of the amazing points of interest along that trek, point out areas you should avoid, and help you find your way. You would not expect that guide to move your feet for you - it is expected that you walk and climb alongside that guide, follow what he/she has to say, and do the work that it takes to get you to the peak, so that you can enjoy the amazing scenery. This is the same with therapy. 

It is not possible for the therapist to follow you home and implement the things you are learning in the therapy room for you - that is up to you. So if you uncover in therapy that you often become critical of your partner, and that has become detrimental to your relationship because of the hurt it is causing your partner, then it is up to you to change that pattern when you are outside the office. That process may be slow, and you might slip up from time to time, but ultimately you are the one who must create that change. 

4. You don’t do your homework. 

I give my clients homework all the time. I tell them what to focus on throughout the week between sessions, I recommend books for them to read, youtube videos for them to watch, and things to discuss outside our sessions. The clients who take the time to do the homework are the clients who are the most successful. They are the clients who report the most growth and change, and they are the couples who reach their goals the fastest. 

This goes back to the principle of time spent working on the relationship. If you are only spending one hour a week focusing on your relationship and hoping for massive change, that is not enough. It has to be on the forefront of your mind throughout the week as well, and homework is designed to help with that. 

5. You don’t give your therapist necessary feedback. 

If you don’t like starting sessions with smalltalk, then it is appropriate to ask your therapist to avoid it. Or maybe, you really don’t want any parenting advice, but instead would like to focus more on the parenting dynamic between you and your partner - it’s ok and necessary to speak up and let your therapist know how you are feeling. I’ve heard many clients tell me about things they disliked about their previous therapist, but when I inquire further, they often say they didn’t bring those things up to the therapist. In my practice I regularly seek out my client’s opinions of what the process is like for them, and check in regularly about what they like to change or focus on. 

Your therapist should also be seeking your feedback. It’s not always easy and it may even seem like you are being confrontational if you bring up something you dislike about their style, but our training prepares us for this. The therapeutic relationship also represents an authentic relationship, and so your therapist should be welcoming of criticism and requests in order to help strengthen your relationship, and to provide you with the best service possible. Holding back and not asking for what you need can result in poor therapeutic outcomes. 

If you have any questions for me, or if you are interested in working on your relationship, you can schedule a 15-minute phone consultation here.  

Why is it so hard to be Quarantined with my Partner?

I just wrapped up my 4th week of seeing clients online, and everyone seems to be settling into their new normal.  For many this includes social distancing, working from home, and trying to figure out how to juggle working and also homeschooling kids from home - it’s a lot! 

Since I specialize in working with couples, relationship issues aren’t a surprise to me. Relationship issues are normal. But what’s not normal is doing all of the tasks that we once did in various locations all in one space, and trying to maintain healthy boundaries. 

To de-stress I used to head to my local yoga studio, take a heated, sweaty class, finish feeling grounded, chat with my friends, and then come home. Now I head to my bedroom to try and do an online class and hope that one of my small children isn’t hot on my heels. In the middle of said class, it’s been a miracle if I’m not joined by my toddler who also wants to try some yoga. The result is usually her becoming upset that I’m hogging MY yoga mat. 

There’s a part of me that loves to see her try to do yoga with me, and then there’s a part of me that is utterly annoyed at the fact that I’m not getting the same results from what used to be my go-to self-care routine. 

For most of us, that separation is not just a luxury, but it was something that was necessary. The commute to work provided a time of separation from home to the staff meeting. Sending kids off to school provided time for many parents to work or get things done around the house, and who we are in our work environments offered separation from who we need to be at home. 

Now the lines are blurred. Everything is happening at the kitchen table - the work, the schoolwork, the meetings, and the meals, and it can create a magnified effect for relationship issues. 

So take some time to create those separations. Have a conversation with your partner about your previous de-stressors, and how you can create that feeling of separateness in order to still partake in them. 

Do you need to create a schedule in order to help uphold those times, and so one of you can keep an eye on the kids so the other can get work done or get some exercise in? If so, then talk to your partner openly about your needs. 

Discuss alone time. Commutes, time out with friends, and chats in the office break room with coworkers allow us to exist separately from our partners. But without those things, it can feel like we need to be together all the time because we are now in the same space 24/7 - but that is not the case. 

Our need for alone time is needed now more than ever before, so talk about it. Talk about what you’d like that to look like in your home, and how you can support one another’s needs. 

Think about having these conversations when things are neutral. Bringing them up in the heat of the moment often leads to blow-ups and misunderstandings. Avoid blaming and criticizing, and discuss the emotion that comes up for you when you aren’t able to do the things you once enjoyed, and make requests - ask for what you need from your partner to feel supported, and offer to reciprocate to help them feel more comfortable during this time. 

If this is something you could use more support with, please reach out! We are accepting new clients online, and are happy to help you improve the communication and connection with your partner!